At the beach...

Revival

Our vacation was just what I needed... although I am not sure 2 weeks with a toddler and no childcare is really much of a "vacation"... ;) Smoosh picked up a bug and woke up at 5am every day, wouldn't take a nap except in the car, and tried his best to destroy everything in his path. Still, it was wonderful. I tore through the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and it's successor, played on the beach, went out for a romantic Valentine's dinner with DH, a wild martini night with my sister, and my parents got to spend lots of time with the babe.

I am doing fine with the M/C I think, although it is hard re-adjusting everything in my mind. Even though I was only PG for a few weeks, I had a whole version of what the rest of the year, the summer, our LIFE was going to look like. I won't be PG at the river this summer or at my BFs wedding, I won't have kids 2 years apart. I don't need to start looking for baby swings or researching cloth diapering again.

Intuition

I woke up Sunday from a horrible dream. I was chasing after one of my clients, a young girl who recently had a miscarriage (in real life) and I realized I was bleeding. I went to the bathroom and there was red blood. I wasn't really surprised. I went back to bed and told my husband and cried for awhile and went back to sleep. When I woke up in the AM, we went to the ER. They did an exam and found the cervix open, did blood work and found I was still PG, did an ultrasound and found the baby only measuring around 5 weeks and no heartbeat. I had to have a rogan shot since I am 0- blood, and went home with a prescription for some pain pills and an order of bed rest for 2 days. I am supposed to have my betas done again in 48 hours to confirm.

The hospital was clean and nice DH and DS were able to hang out with me and watch HGTV. But, I am a little confused as to why I had to have a horrible internal exam and get scraped and swabbed when they could and were going to just look with the u/s anyway, And who cares about my betas anymore if there is no heartbeat? My first appointment is already scheduled for tomorrow, so I guess I need to inform them that the situation has changed. If they had listened to me last week, would any of this be any better? I guess not. We will see what happens tomorrow. I am praying that I don't need a D&C.

Mentally, I am fine. The pregnancy wasn't planned and I the timing wasn't great. Emotionally, it is another story. However, with something like 20% of pregnancies not making it past the 1st trimester, I kind of feel like it is a common rite of passage of womanhood that I am going through and I will be stronger in the end.

We leave for the Caribbean on Thursday. Perfect timing for big dinners with my family, running on the beach with DS, and some alone time with DH - which will now include NON virgin pina coladas. And there, my friends, is the silver lining.

No Symptoms :/

SO I have kind of been freaking out. I have no symptoms to speak of. No sore breasts, my stomach is now totally flat (not bloated at all which it was when I first tested), no nausea, not particularly starving. I am tired, but that may be because I switched to de-caff/ half-caff. I told DH about my concerns and he insisted I call the Dr office to see if I can get some kind of check before next week. The receptionist put me on with the nurse who said there was nothing they could do before 8 weeks, except a blood test which would be the same as a HPT. Really? I know I have heard ladies on the boards talking about getting beta's and levels and numbers doubling to confirm everything is OK. I know I am not high risk, so I don't deserve any special treatment or anything, but I a pretty sure they could check somehow. I guess I just wait until another week and hope I just having a very easy pregnancy so far. I know they are all different, I was just SO sick with DS by this time.

I wrote this the other day then decided to post it to the boards instead. After encouragement from lots of girls with no symptoms, I calmed down a bit. Still, feeling a little nervous. Oh well.

Baby Things

I guess you only get to register the first time, huh? ;) Still, it is nice to keep a little list for myself - and they have come out with so many more cute things in the last 2 years!!

I made my first Dr appointment and it isn't for another 2 weeks. Here, they see you at 8 weeks and do an U/S. That is fine, but it means 2 more weeks of wondering how far along I am and worrying about whether everything is ok in there. I told one of my bfs since we are kinda pregnancy buddies (and I have ot have SOMEone to talk to). I am waiting until after the dr to tell our parents.. and probably 12 weeks for everyone else. I am just a kind of cautious person in that way.

Some things I am thinking about for baby #2

Uppa Baby has a rumble seat! This is so cool, I just strap it onto our Vista and viola - instant double stroller! It also fits with the car seat in the adapter (which we have) and clicks back off if you want to back to a single!



Where will baby sleep?
I am thinking of a rocking bassinet holder, in which I will put the Uppa Baby Bassinet. I can't imagine I will use it in the stroller much around here. I am guessing we will be using the car seat more since we now drive everywhere. I better watch out for flat head this time around! This was NOT a concern in NYC.

Otherwise, nothing to report. No morning sickness - yet - pleassssse not this time! Tired, but DH has been out of town so that is exhausting anyway. Bloated, so bought 4 new pairs of "yoga" pants AKA "stretchy wear-24-hours-a-day-and try to look like I have been working out not just wearing my pajamas" pants. Slowly making the switch to decaff. Not easy, but DH brought me some AMAZING Blue Bottle coffee (in decaff) back from NYC so that should ease the pain.

xox

Motherhood is so en vogue these days..

Model-of-moment Arizona Muse with her son in this month's Vogue.

So....Yeah.. :)

This is kind of unexpected. I mean, we have been talking about it a lot and I have been stressing about it a lot. (e.g. When? Will I be too old? Will I still have time to have 3? But where will we be?? Blah blah blah)
DH is thrilled and I am honestly still a little in shock. But so very excited. I cannot remember for my life when I had my period last month. I know it was somewhere between the 10th- the 25th... The holidaze, right!? So I am 4-6 weeks? Another September baby!!
I have a feeling I am going to be blogging a LOT more again. So many details to obsess over, new products to research, and conversations with family members/strangers/myself to be emotional about. :)

It feels good

to shoot again!

The Return of the Blog!

Wow! So it has been almost 3 months since we left New York and almost 3 months since I have written... Why? I am not quite sure. Somehow, now that things are easier, and I have so much more time to myself, blogging has fallen to the wayside. Maybe I was more stressed in NY and needed the outlet more than I do here? Maybe I just needed to get settled. Now, I am ready to continue my online journal here. I am definitely ready to start shooting more.

For a brief re-cap of the last few months:

-We now live in a beautiful cabin in the woods in Tennessee.
-Smooshie now goes to daycare AKA "child development school" 5 days a week and LOVES it! More about that soon.
-I can now drive to the store and bring home as many groceries as I want - and at half the price. :)

We are feeling a little isolated and friend-deprived out here, but all-in-all we are getting so much work done and are very very happy. :)

Enjoying a fall festival last month...

Birthday Invite :-)

The party is next weekend, then we leave! So excited!

This is going to be one of the craziest weeks EVER. We can't decide if this is crazier than last year when I gave birth, DH started teaching, and had to play a festival in Bristol the same week.

Today I must :

1. Call our lawyer to get a rider written for the lease
2. Go to lease signing with new (hopefully) tenants
3. Call freezer repair to come AGAIN because it still isn't working
4. Book a strorage space in TN
5. Bring more things to Goodwill
6. Pay bills
7. Pack
8. Do laundry
9. Work
10. Oh yeah, take care of my now-running child

Well, better get to it.

I think I am falling apart..

Just a little bit. And not in a dangerous mental breakdown kind of way, just in a "wow, I haven't looked in the mirror in months" kind of way.

It kind of clicked the other day when my best friend was telling me how she admires what a great mother I am, and how "selfless" raising a child is. As she sat there in her cute new dress with her recently cut hair, perfectly manicured nails and tales of this and that dance party/fabulous event I realized that I, #1. Haven't been dancing in years (not counting baby music class), and #2. basically look like crap, and this was her subtle way of telling me.
p.s. this is the same bff who stopped me from wearing a frumpy empire waist dress to my wedding because "she would look hotter than me on my wedding day" and coaxed me into a fabulous mermaid silhouette dream gown (which thank God I wore because I will never have that body again).

Then I read this post over at the818.com where the blogger actually passed out from dehydration - nursing, sweating, running around. Crap, this could be me. My spare moments when Smoosh is asleep are spent working or researching toys and birthday party themes. I haven't had my hair cut in a year and the spit ends are reaching 3 and 4 prongs. My nails.. I can't even talk about. I am gaining weight again and love handles are spilling over the tops of my jean shorts. :( And now, with the lovely AF coming back, I have having those little neck break out bumps again.

DH tells me every day that I look gorgeous, but I know the stress of the move is getting to us, and I am looking a little worse-for-wear. But what to do? No extra time, no extra money right now. I think I will initiate a simple plan. Here are my new rules:

1. Stretch every morning first thing. This makes me more aware of my body and what I put in it and decreases stress.
2. Make a natural scrub with some sea salt and olive oil and give myself 5 minutes at the end of my shower to exfoliate.
3. Take the bag of clothes I don't want to the exchange shop and get one new outfit for myself with the money.
4. Have DH give me a little trim, for now.
5. Drink MORE water!!

Namaste ;)

Walking!

Mr. Man is walking full speed ahead all of a sudden - crazyness! You know, it just almost doesn't look possible, walking on those fat little feet. Kind of like a worm walking upright.. Know what I mean?
There is the LOUDEST freaking jackhammering going on outside right now, just in time for Smooshie's nap. I am SO ready to get out of here.
We did have a nice night out with friends last night though. Austrian beer hall then Brazilian bar with watermelon vodka! Won't be getting much of that down in Tennessee.

I have been looking for the perfect birthday gift to have delivered to the Tennessee house. Most of the suggestions on websites seem a little bit off. An exersaucer for a 1 year old? Yeah right, we got rid of that months and months ago. I was thinking the Plan Toys drum set, but now I am thinking bigger. What he REALLY loves to do is go through daddy's desk, open and close things, ound on things, and make a big mess. What about a work bench?



This one is Melissa and Doug and gets great reviews on Amazon.

Party Planning!!

It looks like we are already going to be in Tennessee for Smooshie's birthday, but we are going to have a party here right before we leave. And since I have nothing else to do (haha like pack up the house, get it rented, care for the child, oh and work) I now get to obsessively plan the first birthday party I have been dreaming of!
The in laws have moved into a fancy new building in the neighborhood and they were able to reserve the rec room for the party which is AWESOME. At first I was worried it was going to be ugly and tacky, but it is actually done quite well - modern in muted colors. It has a big kitchen, bar stools, big grey wrap around sofa, low table for the cake, a cool pool table (grey and wood!) 2 big flatscreens (And yes, even though it is kind of obnoxious, I think I am going to have to do the photo slide show of Smooshie's first year on those), an i pod dock with surround sound. It also opens up onto a huge roof deck with a grill and cool furniture. It is also pretty much totally baby-proofed which is awesome.
Still, it needs a lot of work to give it the country - vibe I am going for. Luckily, I still have the gorgeous flags my mom made for my baby shower which will look great. Then, I think I will try the tissue paper puffs in white and blue. There is one ugly painting I will need to cover with some kind of banner.
This might sound a little crazy, but I am SO happy that all the parties that have to be thrown for me are over I can finally execute the control I like! Haha. Seriously though, it has been the wedding, the bridal shower, bachelorette party, baby shower. All paid for by someone else (for the most part) and considered in bad taste for the guest of honor to say too much. NOW, I finally have ALL the control mwah hahahaha!! :-)

SO, I love this bandana idea. I am going to look for bandana paper for hats I think.

Some kind of banner would be good..

And the famous puffs see to give good bang-for-your-buck!


There is also a wonderful organic cake baker in the hood who we can order from. Now these are the things I will miss when we leave NY.

First Steps...

Smooshie took his first steps yesterday, and we are taking our first steps in leaving New York. This photo taken this morning sums up how I feel about the daunting task of packing up our life. Overwhelmed.



As for Smooshie's first steps, he was standing by the lamp, holding on. Then he let go of the lamp and was just standing there for quite awhile... then, two little steps over to the sofa! So cute and I am so glad DH and I were there to see it. I don't think he is super interested in taking off into full time walking quite yet, but he is close. :-)

We decided on a Sept. 1st move date so we are selling furniture we don't care about and renting a trailer to bring the rest to store in Tennessee. We somehow have to simultaneously pack up everything, and get the place looking good enough to show renters. I would look better to show empty and with a new coat of paint, but I don't see how that is possible since we can't keep everything in a trailer out on the streets of Brooklyn for 2 weeks! I am really looking forward to taking this as an opportunity to rid myself of excess baggage - clothes, books, trinkets and other things I have dragging around for years and years. I am trying to be Zen, but I guess I am a bit of a hoarder deep down. I have a serious case of "I may need this some day for a shoot!" and I always have.

10 months!

Mr.Smoosh is 10 months! He celebrated by standing up from sitting without holding on to anything, and stayed standing for about 20 seconds. Of course, when I started freaking out and yaying and clapping he quickly sat back down and crawled away. ;-)
I must say, I am looking forward to him learning to walk, so I can hold his little hand and walk up the 5 flights of stairs together. It is HOT and he is HEAVY!
We saw the DR on Friday and M is holding strong on size - 75th % for weight (23lbs) and 95th % for height. Unfortunately DH had to take him in because he woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible cough. Turns out it is the croup, yuck. :-( He got some medicine and is feeling OK but it is so sad!
We have a lot going on right now and we are making some really big decisions.
Namely, we may actually be leaving NYC. I know I love to complain, but I will really miss our friends and my wonderful play group which has become almost my entire social life and kept me sane. I will miss the precious babies I have known since birth who are now Mason's best friends.
However, this life is ceasing to make sense. We pay a crazy mortgage and live in the most expensive city in the country and why? So DH can play music and adjunct teach for peanuts while he tries to finish his dissertation in between all this craziness in our cramped apartment?
My parents have a summer house in Tennessee that is open to us - plenty of bedrooms, fireplaces, a swimming hole, trails. Even an extra car. DH could write looking over the river in complete serenity while Mr.Man and I go on walks in the woods, swimming at the amazing community center. I also have some family and friends there. I could still work from home, I would just need to come to the city every few months.
Another major factor, we could rent our place here and more than cover the mortgage while it hopefully goes up in value until DH gets a job and we are ready to really settle somewhere and buy a house.
I am nervous, sad. excited... We are thinking of going in late September. Will I be able to find organic food? Will I get fat? ;-) I must say, the thought of another winter in NYC is DE. PRES. ING. OK, enough angst. Here is a first - a video! Smoosh thinks playing catch is pretty funny..

4th of July

I remember last 4th of July weekend - 8 months pregnant. hot. no margaritas. no sangria. We went to a BBQ and watched the random fireworks coming from the projects since we couldn't see the Hudson river ones from the roof in Clinton Hill. It's sometimes so mind blowing that we have this little person now who was just pulling on my leg and rubbing his little eyes, ready for his morning nap.

We went to the Hamptons for the weekend with my BFF and stayed at her parents house who are in total Grandparent-biological-clock mode. They wanted to hold Smoosh and keep him all weekend - except for when he woke up at 5AM. Then I was on my own. Anyway, we had a nice time and went to the outlets and Montauk for the day which was awesome. However, we really learned that we are truly our own family now and we really prefer to be in control of our own surroundings. i.e. not stay with people! It is hard having him in our room, trying to keep him quiet in the morning, find him things to eat (like explaining that we only give him organic things without seeming like a psycho)! I guess if things stayed too comfortable we would all live with our parents forever and not have the drive to push ourselves so we can someday buy or own beach house. :-)

All Joy and No Fun

All Joy and No Fun

Super interesting article in NYMag about happiness and parenting. Here are my highlights...

Not only did they find that couples’ overall marital satisfaction went down if they had kids; they found that every successive generation was more put out by having them than the last—our current one most of all. Even more surprisingly, they found that parents’ dissatisfaction only grew the more money they had, even though they had the purchasing power to buy more child care. “And my hypothesis about why this is, in both cases, is the same,” says Twenge. “They become parents later in life. There’s a loss of freedom, a loss of autonomy. It’s totally different from going from your parents’ house to immediately having a baby. Now you know what you’re giving up.”

One hates to invoke Scandinavia in stories about child-rearing, but it can’t be an accident that the one superbly designed study that said, unambiguously, that having kids makes you happier was done with Danish subjects. The researcher, Hans-Peter Kohler, a sociology professor at the University of Pennsylvania, says he originally studied this question because he was intrigued by the declining fertility rates in Europe. One of the things he noticed is that countries with stronger welfare systems produce more children—and happier parents.
Of course, this should not be a surprise. If you are no longer fretting about spending too little time with your children after they’re born (because you have a year of paid maternity leave), if you’re no longer anxious about finding affordable child care once you go back to work (because the state subsidizes it), if you’re no longer wondering how to pay for your children’s education and health care (because they’re free)—well, it stands to reason that your own mental health would improve. When Kahneman and his colleagues did another version of his survey of working women, this time comparing those in Columbus, Ohio, to those in Rennes, France, the French sample enjoyed child care a good deal more than its American counterpart. “We’ve put all this energy into being perfect parents,” says Judith Warner, author of Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, “instead of political change that would make family life better.”

Amen! I am going to look into Warner's book, she sounds like a voice of reason to me. Why are we the biggest and best industrialized nation in the world, yet the most unhealthy and most miserable?? Come ON health care!

This article really hit home with me as I found DH and myself last night on a crash course from "having a baby" into full-on "PARENTING", all centered around Smooshie's inability to clap. Yes, he is only 9.5 months and he is progressing quite wonderfully, but I have tried and tried to teach him to clap and he isn't having it. I told DH that most of the other babies can clap (Have I really become that person? Did that really come out of my mouth?) and so he decided to teach him. Well, Mr.Man wasn't having it at ALL. This is sounding even crazier as I write it, but it really brought up a lot of issues on how we want to deal with discipline, and how we want to relate to this little person. We decided to let the clapping go and just focus on his strengths ;-) but I can see we are at the beginning of a lonng and winding road.

Summertime :-)

These photos are actually from St.Thomas last month but I just got around to editing them. I made Smooshie a baby pool out of one of the big white coolers we bought for our wedding almost 3 years ago! It worked great with just a few a few inches of water in it and he splashed around with some kitchen utensils.

Tomorrow we go to the Hamptons for the weekend. Can't wait to get my little baby beluga back in the water!

9 1/2 months

How cute are the Dwell Owls? Once the bumpers came off the crib was looking too sad. Luckily, the new Dwell Owls collection totally matches the Charlotte so it looks awesome with the quilt (which is on the rocker) and the crib skirt (which I had to take off too now that the mattress is at the lowest setting). My mom also gave me my old baby quilt which I have up on the wall. I need a wide angle lens to shoot the room, it is too small to get anything in the frame otherwise!

My sweet baby is SO funny these days. He has his own little sense of humor and we really have the best time together. He is standing on his own now, but when I try to lure him to walk or get up from sitting he defaults to his highly effective super-speed crawling instead. He LOVES jamming to his LeapFrog table thing and pushing it around the apartment like a walker. He is eating more than ever, so much food! A typical day will go something like this

-wake up, nurse have a banana or a bagel
-play
-morning nap
-eat another banana or papaya, melon, apples, and a cream cheese sandwich cut into pieces
-play
-Daddy gets up, we all have bruch (where he eats more of whatever we are having - eggs, cheese cubes)
-play
-snack
-nurse
-NAP
-Snack on more fruit, veggies
-play (the park, music class, etc)
-dinner! A little meal I make him- Couscous, squash, chicken, pasta are all favorites
-naked playing and naked story time
-Bath
-coconut oil massage
-nurse
-bed at 7

Then DH and I have our dinner, a glass of wine and chill. :-)

Yesterday we went to The Little Mermaid sing-a-long at The Knitting Factory - amazing! "Part of Your World" is my jam and it was so nice to spend some time in the cold room on a hot Saturday singing with strangers.

Today we are going to see out friend's newborn -eek! So cute!

Highchair Fail

So we had the lovely Svan High chair bought generously off our registry. It is gorgeous, but it is a piece of crap. The bolts fall off and the tray slopes. I have to re-configure everything every day and the tray is sloping down and the food is falling off AGAIN. It is also IMPOSSIBLE to clean. Gross food down in the grooves and bolts all the time, ugh. And for $300, not cool. So I decided to return it and go with the IKEA Antilop which has great reviews, easy to clean.. and $25! Unfortunately, I returned the Svan (yay Buy Buy Baby, you guys are awesome) but now IKEA has been out of stock of the Antilop all month at all locations anywhere near me. Hmm.. Isn't this what happened with the IKEA crib I was going to get, and that is how I ended up with the expensive Argington? (By the way, I LOVE the Argington crib and am so glad I didn't get the IKEA)
Now Smooshie is eating in his walker which has a tray, but he rolls around the apartment while he eats and gets food everywhere, so we need a new highchair STAT. We are also on a super limited budget right now. What to do?

1. Wait for IKEA highchair
2. Put credit toward Stokke Tripp trap (which we should have bought in the beginning) but is even more expensive with all the ad ons.
3. Get hideous other high chair that is less expensive.

The Svan, too good to be true..



The Stokke Tripp Trapp, tried and true but expensive (up to $400) - especially once you add the chair rail, cushions and tray.




Bloom Nano is cute and only $170, but the reviews are so-so..



The elusive IKEA Antilop


Any advice? I will mull this over.