First night out on the town/ I Want it All

Without the baby! Yes, we got a babysitter last night and DH and I went out in the city to a wild birthday party at The Box and it was lovely. It felt very strange to put on my heels after.. geez, almost a year? I don't think I wore them the whole time I was pregnant of course. It was really fun to dress up and be my old self again.... kind of.

Of course, I missed my little Smoosh and I stressed for DAYS before about pumping, formula, whether I could stand to leave him at all.. But I am so glad I did.

We have a close friend who babysits so I felt totally at ease with that. I actually think Smoosh could tell what was going on on some level, he decided to do a marathon nursing session right before we left (making such funny faces and smiling at me while he ate) so he actually didn't need to eat the whole time we were gone anyway. All that stress - not to mention the emergency can of organic formula - for nothing!

Yes, I bought some formula and have been feeling pretty guilty/conflicted about it. It is something I never thought I would consider EVER. I decided to buy some just so the sitter would have a back up if I couldn't pump enough. Then she asked that we try it on him beforehand just in case. So the other night I made some up and we tried to feed it to him. I had always thought of formula as baby fast food, so I thought he would gobble it down. I know my little piggy loves to eat. :) But he wasn't having it at all, he made these awful faces and spit it out and I felt SO bad! Force feeding him crap! How awful am I! I decided to leave the room all together, and sure enough once me and my boobies were out of sight, he did gooble it down. And went to sleep. FOR SIX HOURS!!! I woke up, looked at the clock, checked to make sure he was OK and praised the Lord. The feeling of sleeping for 6 hours straight for the first time in 2 months was like heaven. I felt like a new person.

Formula... the devil on my shoulder. But I will choose motherly martyrdom for the sake of my Smooshie's health. I have read the studies and I will not super-size my child just for the sake of a night's sleep. It turns out I was able to pump PLENTY in one sitting yesterday afternoon, so the formula wouldn't have been needed even if he had woken up to eat. However, I WILL keep it on hand for future babysitting situations.

Here is the thing: My mother breast fed me exclusively, probably for an uncomfortably long time. I was never left with a sitter, I never had sugar or junk food. We lived in the Caribbean and my mom filled her days frolicking on the beach with me and making silkscreens and paintings. My mother In Law, on the other hand, was a high powered PR woman. She gave DH formula, he had a nanny. And we are both fine. He is not obese, he even has a PhD. I want to be somewhere in the middle. I want to stick to my values and beliefs about what is best and most natural for my baby, but I also want to keep my career going, keep my marriage and my social life interesting, go on meetings and trips and to fancy parties. And so I walk a fine line, and this is just the beginning..